8 MINUTE READ TIME
Oh screw social constructs… be “weird,” be you.
…Let me explain.
I’m in my early 20’s, and I’ve had a really hard time accepting who I am.
Accepting my beliefs that are non-traditional. I’m attracted to living outside of social standards….
As I speak openly about this… it’s not easy. Especially since it’s been through the help of therapy that I have found acceptance for who I am and what I truly want out of my life.
Everything from my family to my friends at times – I’ve often felt like the black sheep. (I have a lot of diverse interests that aren’t commonly found together) And I got really good at finding ways to disguise who I was, so I could fit in and not feel like a total outsider. (This is a common inner struggle for artists)
Over the last few years, I started to allow myself to explore and ask questions… if I could have a life in complete alignment… What would it look like?
If I allowed myself to think outside of the box of society and stopped trying to please people… friends, family… what would that life look like? What if I decided to stop playing it small?
This exploration since 2020 has been a battle. A battle I needed help to unravel the mess of false beliefs I created for myself over the years… So, I found a therapist and got to work.
Through our sessions we found a part of me, what I call the ego, that had a VERY strong hold on my life and was keeping me in the lane of what I “should do” instead of “what I actually want.”
And let me tell ya… I was miserable.
I was living under the debilitating expectations that – at the time – I thought were true and nonnegotiables.
So I quit.
Starting at the end of 2020, I pretty much went on a streak of quitting things that didn’t align with me – while along the way… I was learning skills of what I am good at and what I want to pursue.
…And for a Perfectionist, OCD person like me that has been VERY hard…
I HATEEEE quitting.
Ohhhhh… but now instead of struggling and staying inside the small box I put myself in… I’ve allowed myself to start dreaming again.
I started asking myself, what would my dream day look like?
Maybe it’s opening up the doors of my van to a beautiful Mountain View in the morning… before I set in on my creative work on my computer.
I have been struggling for this wanting… I had been scared to play it brave and do what I want. I was concerned that not having a boyfriend/being engaged was wrong for me, that I was behind from my peers… I was concerned that not having a house or condo and wanting to live in a van was absurd… I was concerned that not having a nice car for how hard I work, is such a bad thing and people look down on me for it…
Thisssss was my ego talking… I had to take time and kill my ego.
It has been very hard, and a very painful process because I have a BIG ego. Haha! However, I am a lot happier and far more connected with myself that I have ever been.
All of these changes came because… I felt like I was living a life that was forced.
I was working for companies… sitting in a cubicle behind a computer, doing work that didn’t excite me or truly impact others.
For me… that’s not living. It was just surviving.
We really get one shot at this thing that we called life, and if I’m not happy, I’m changing it. My mission in life is to find alignment with what feels right, what comes naturally, what I am meant to do and to find work does not feel forced, but is rewarding.
Alignment is finding that flow state, even when the work is grueling hard and you’re having to stress every brain cell to create something beautiful… but I am in flow and I love what I’m creating, and it makes a difference for those that I am serving. This is impactful work that will make a difference in the world. That is the life that I want to live.
And not a life of going through the motions… like I was living.
I don’t want to feel safe, I want to be brave. Even if that means living in a cardboard box to get this idea off of the ground… Well, then that’s what I’m going to do if that means being happy. For the longest time, that is what I’ve had the hardest time coming to terms with. Losing financial security to chase a dream.
“What are other people going to think if I have nothing to my name and I look like I’m failing.” ….. “Oh but darling, what if you fly?”
Maybe from the outside, losing it all might be true. However, on the inside I’m beaming with light again, because I went for it… and for me that’s all that matters.
And even though I am a designer at heart and I LOVE having beautifully designed, thoughtful, and handcrafted products around me (which are never cheap)… and I’m having to live humbly right now as I’m building something that I can be proud of… This fact alone KILLS my ego. I want to show off that part of me, the part that curates a beautifully designed space…
However, the humble beginnings is a beautiful place in the process. While it’s taken me a long time to get here… I have finally accepted my reality and I am willing to do the work of whatever it takes – Even if that means living out of a cardboard box – to fully focus all of my creative time and energy on the beautiful work that I want to bring to life.
I don’t need monetary products to feel validated anymore. Success and happiness to me comes from freedom and the ability to work on things that I care about. That is what I value and that is where my focus is.
No longer am I playing in the constructs of religion or societal constraints of what I think I “should be doing” or “what I should have.” No I’m writing my own rules. To be honest it feels so good.
I have set hard boundaries to really focus my time and energy where I find alignment. I am no longer people pleasing and making sure I am everyone’s favorite person. AND I have started to find an amazing community of people out there… who I hold near and dear to my heart and they make me so happy to be around.
While it’s really scary to go out on your own and to rewrite everything that you’ve known… Just know that it’s hard and scary at first, but as you start to develop your ideas, your lane, and things that are true to you… the story unravels beautifully.
So I say, if you if you are feeling miserable, unhappy, completely out of alignment or lost… PLEASE start digging and asking questions of “why you feel that way,” “what can you change to be happier,” “what do you need to get rid of to feel lighter” and you’ll start to discover true happiness. (Don’t be scared of professional help – therapy has been my god send and my weekly hour of focusing on what I want with the guidance from professionals that can help get me there. You can’t do the work all alone.) And most importantly, never forget those that helped you along the way and supported you during this phase.
What the world really needs right now… are more people who care and are truly happy.
So stop playing the game of keeping up with the Jones’s, they don’t care anyways.
It’s a really scary moment when you realize that you are totally OK with losing everything to pursue happiness… true happiness.
But I am there. I am absolutely terrified. Absolutely overwhelmed at the amount of possibilities. And absolutely excited to play outside of the box.
Be your weird ass self, and stop playing it safe.